09 November 2012

Kobe Shoots Daggers Outs of His Eyes

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Kobe shoot daggers out of his eyes.


Mike Brown died a quick death on Friday morning and joined the not-so cool ranks of terminated NBA head coaches. Was it really Mike Brown's fault the Lakers started 1-4? Probably not, he was just one of a dozen reasons why the Lakers started 0-8 in preseason and then kicked off the season with an startling 0-3 record.

But when Kobe shoots ninja stars out of his eyes, you better duck.

Whatever coaching guru gets tapped to save the Lakers (Phil Jackson, Mike D'Antoni, or Jerry Sloan), he will have a tough road ahead of him. The fans desperately want "Big Chief Triangle" Phil Jackson to come back. During Friday night's game, the Staples Center swelled with chants of "We want Phil! We want Phil!"

The 2012-13 Lakers were re-assembled to take out the young guns at OKC and then challenge Miami Heat's Big 3 for the NBA title. The Lakers had lofty preseason expectations after Dwight Howard and Steve Nash joined the team, but the horrid start brought Lakers nation crashing hard... like an emaciated starlet on a diet of Greek yogurt and freebase.

Hollywood is a fair-weather town with a "what have you done for me lately" attitude, which makes it a horrible place to live because the only thing anyone cares about is... themselves...  which translates into self-absorbed assholes trying to be as cool as possible, ergo rooting for whoever is winning. Right now, the Clippers are the toast of the town, while the Lakers have become what every studio exec in this town has nightmares about... an overpriced bomb.

I was chowing down on chocolate pancakes at the diner when I heard about the Mike Brown ninja takedown. My immediate gut reaction? Bet the Lakers. Whenever a team loses a head coach in mid-season, they usually respond with a win because the logic behind this is either the team... 1) plays hard for their new coach, and/or 2) send a fuck you message to their old coach.

My other thought was bet the OVER. When I woke up the plan was to keep an eye on Golden State as our bail out team and only call in the Wolf if our master plan to Fade the Bobkittes shit the bed. So, we got gun shy on Lakers outright but stuck with the over 195. Once ESPN had published/confirmed the story on their front page, the over jumped to 196 and by lunchtime it was 197 and by game time the line had soared to 198.5. The fact we got the bet down as soon as we got word about Mike Brown's whacking had earned us 3.5 points in value. Holy shit! Too bad that's all that it offered. Lakers won 101-77.

Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda. I shoulda listened to my gut and bet the Lakers. Nope. Instead I screwed over our entire crew when the OVER shit the bed. Instead of a perfect 2-0, we ended up 2-1. That makes me feel like a dick because I let the team down.

Friday NBA action: Milwookie -3.5, Dallas -6.5 (Fade the Bobkittens), and OVER 195 Golden State/Lakers

Before we begin, here's a little wisdom of the Ocelot...
Ocelot's Worst NBA Teams:
1. Charlotte Bobkittens
2. Detroit Piss-stains
3. Washington Cheese Wiz
4. Toronto Lizards
5.  Phoenix Sols
Milwookie took on the Washington Cheese Wiz (0-3). I agreed with HAL420's assessment to fade the Wiz. When Milwookie stumbled off to slow start, St. Louis Tommy expressed his concern. I told him not to sweat it until the 4Q. By then, Milwookie got their shit together and coasted to victory (despite a little extracurricular activity near the end of the game).

NOLA Hornets got their #1 draft back in action. Fear the Unibrow. We weren't backing NOLA as much as fading the Charlotte Bobkittens, especially on the road in New Orleans. Yep, the wisdom of the Ocelot prevailed as NOLA won and covered. Charlotte Bobkittens slipped to 1-3 for the season.
Good news: After we whiffed on their opening night in Charlotte, the Bobkittens are on a three game skid and 0-3 ATS. Great news: Charlotte plays Dallas tomorrow. Oooooh? Fading the Bobkittens on back-to-back nights. You betcha. Saturday night fadeaway.
NBA Overall: 17-11-1
S/U: 13-6-1 S/U
O/U: 4-5
Fade the Bobkittens: 3-1