27 November 2012

The Unbearable Likeness of Joey Crawford

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

NBA zebras come in two forms... 1) crooked hardcore gamblers manipulating outcomes for their own personal gain like Tim Donaghy, or 2) ego-maniacs who think they are God.

And then there's Joey Crawford, the controversial zebra that is often mentioned in the same breath as the worst official all of pro sports. He's been around so long that when he started reffing games, the NBA did not have a three point line. Crawford might have been one of the best zebras at one point in his 35-year career, but now he's a stubborn, cantankerous hot head who always must have the attention on him.

Here's a NY Times interview with Joey Crawford... Whistling His Own Tune.

A friend of mine, huge Bulls fan, used to bet on a lot of NBA games. He said he saw Joey Crawford make bad calls on purpose so coaches or star players would pick a fight with him, and then he's get more TV time. He had another theory that Crawford was just a dickhead and control freak that he made controversial calls so he could give players technical fouls, or throw coaches out of games.

Wow, this Crawford guy sounds like a major league dick.

The Joey Crawford Show reached Hollywood on Tuesday night. He was schedueled to roam the floor and use his golden whistle during the Lakers-Pacers game at Staples Center. As per usual, Crawford was total ham all night and tried to steal the spot light away from the Lakers... which is tough to do with a new limping coach jacked up on painkillers (Mike D'Antoni), and the Big 3: Dwight Howard, Metta World Peace, and that Kobe clown.

My girlfriend is in show biz and she said there's an old theatre saying... "Crawford was chewing up scenery all night."

I have no fucking clue what he's doing here...


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I see hippies dance like that at Phish shows, but they are usually on a couple doses of really good acid or ecstasy.

Crawford looked like he was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars, or maybe he's shopping for a new agent at CAA?

I watched the Lakers game because we bet on it as a bail out game and because my girlfriend Nicky wanted to watch it. She rarely requests to watch sports aside from her alma mater's football games, only because Northwestern had a half-way decent team this year. Anyway, Nicky is a Lakers fan and she wanted to watch the game, which was fine for me because we had a wager on it after we were 1-1 for the night.

Within a few minutes of the opening tip, Twitter was flooded with Joey Crawford comments. Pretty funny. I don't think I could name more than five or six NBA zebras (is Dick Bavetta still working? Remember Eric Neis from the Real World? His dad was a ref back in the 90s.)

We were on the Pacers at +8.5. The Lakers are overrated and word on the street was that Kobe had the sniffles and might not play. Well, he might have been flu-like, but he played the entire second half! All 24 minutes.

Kobe also had a boobie triple double... 40 points, 10 rebounds, and 10 turnovers.

Typical Kobe me-me-me-me night. Kobe loves D'Antoni's new offense because he gets to shoot whenever he touches the ball and missed 16 shots but (5 out of 11 from downtown) and dropped 40. The Lakers scored 77 points, Kobe contributed 40 of them, whileDwight Howard scored 17 and Gasol added 10. That trioscored 67 out of the Lakers 77 points. The rest of the team did jack shit. That's why they lost.... against the Pacers without Danny Granger. George Hill had a good night and David West added a double-double.

Tuesday NBA action: Pacers +7.5, Cavs +2.5, and Mavs +3.5

The goal? Less is more. I only liked one game, yet bet two and didn't like the 1-1 results because I have an annoying habit in which I can't "break even" and have to either end the night with a profit or a loss. This break even stuff does not sit well with me. Besides, I hate being down "just juice."

The Pacers won outright and covered 7.5. Easy money. That got us out of the doldrums of a break even day. We split out Cavs-Mavs ticket. We took all dogs today and I particularly liked the Mavs getting points in Philly. They were down by 10 late in the game, but stormed back to almost force OT. They lost by 1 but we had them +3.5. The Cavs got blown out by PHX Sols. What the fuck? Sure, Cleveland is not a good ball team, but they are better than PHX, who is horrible on the road and one of the worst teams in the NBA ATS, which is why I was shocked they won by 13 on the road.

We made a costly error and got humped by the pooch. The sharp play? Bet the UNDER in PHX/CLE. It's one of the many pearls of wisdom from the all-knowing Ocelot. I posted this once before, but it's so important that I need to post it again because I did not heed the sagely advice!
Wisdom of the Ocelot
When two horrible teams play each other, bet the UNDER.
The good news is that PHX is playing again on Wednesday and we're gonna faded them to get our money back!

The Lakers lost and we finished 2-1 for the day. Overall in the NBA we're 39-32-2.