22 November 2012

Turkey Day and LOL-Jets

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Turkey Day. Three NFL games including the Jets. I had so much to be thankful for... so watching the Jets get dismembered and humiliated in front of the entire nation was freaking awesome.

This Mark Sanchez ass-fumble sums up the Jets...


Yep. Fucking Sanchez. Running into someone's ass. It got so ugly on Thursday night that the fans started chanting for Tebow.

"Tebow! Tebow! Tebow! Tebow!! Tebow!!!"

You woulda thunk Skip Bayless paid off 5,000 faithful members of Gang Green to start a mutiny. He didn't have to dole out $5 bills. Several weeks of vented-up anger was being released vociferously. Even some of my girlfriend's relatives (who don't know much about football) were calling for Sanchez's head, "Why doesn't the dude in the sweater vest put in Tebow?"

If Tebow didn't hurt his ribs, I betcha Rex Ryan woulda pulled Sanchez out of sheer frustration.
Anyway, I'm sorry for the tangent. I'm not going to turn Ocelot Sports into a circle jerk for Tebow.

That's what ESPN is for.

But hey... I'm so glad we faded the Jets.
Wisdom of the Ocelot
If you're gonna be a Jets fan, always go for the emotional hedge and bet against them. Fade the Jets every time. That way you'll win enough money to cover the bar tab that you'll run up trying drown away your misery of the Jets' level of suckage.

Hey, it's a holiday, right? Turkey Day is reserved for turkey, gobble, gobble, gobble, gamboooooooooool! 3 sides. 3 totals. And a ton of biscuits.

Turkey Day action: Houston -3, Washington +3.5, Pats -6.5, OVER 48.5 Houston/Detroit, UNDER 47 Wash/Dallas, OVER 48.5 Pats/Jets

The first game on the slate was Houston/Detroit. The NFL has played a game in Detroit on Thanksgiving every year since before WWII. Holy shitballs! Too bad Detroit loses year after year after year.

I did not watch the game... I actually volunteered to work and had been up since 6am writing something for a deadline and I was covering a final table of an online poker tournament. I filed all of my work around noon and got everything done by 1pm.  I left my office and checked the score. 31-31. Are you shitting me?

31-31. Another overtime game for Houston?

Houston got lucky when Hansen shanked a FG and gave them a chance to win the game. Houston had already missed a chance to win the game in OT with a FG, and they didn't blow their second chance. Graham drilled a FG and Houston won 34-31. We were laying -3. Boooooo. Push. The way Houston played all game, we're lucky to get a push, but man... I was pulling and praying for a TD in OT.


By the way... you'll see in the above GIF that Schaub gets kicked in the nuts by one of the dirtiest players in the league that incorrigible troublemaker Ndamukong Suh.

That Houston team likes to live on the edge, eh? Now 10-1 and #1 in the AFC. They won 2 overtime games in the last five days. Unreal. Too bad they didn't cover. Oh, and the OVER 48.5 wasn't much of a sweat only because I was working and didn't see any of the game until the start of overtime. The combined for 62 by the start of overtime and we had secured the win. Perfect way to start a 6-bet bender.

We were 1-0-1 and already ahead by the time Washington/Dallas had just kicked off.

I saw something that Dawn Summers tweeted about how the Cowboys playing the Redskins on Thanksgiving was kinda racist. Funny joke, but very disturbing on some levels. America and the NFL is all about... 1) killing thy enemy, and 2) field position.

I caught almost all of Washington/Dallas or the RG3 Bowl. Luckily the inlaws live fairly close to us in the Slums of Beverly Hills with zero traffic to West L.A. I was chowing down on appetizers while watching RG3's first touchdown drive. It would be one of many, which made the afternoon go by quickly because we were on Washington +3.5

Washington was up 28-3 at the half, but the knock against them is that they can get out to a lead, but they always blow it. Conversely, Dallas often starts out slowly and gets their shit together in the second half. Almost exactly on script, Dallas stormed back in the second half.... but came up short. RG3 and Washington held off Romo and Cowgirls. We lost a bet on the UNDER 47 and it would be the only lost wager of the day. Washington held onto win by 7 and easily covered +3.5. After two games, we were 2-1-1.

By the way, RG3 is the real deal. 4 TDs? Yep. He's totally overrated, right? Shit, I wished the Jets had RG3 instead of that assclown Sanchez. Here's a sick fake that RG3 totally sells...


A memorable moment at the in-laws happened during the halftime of the Washington/Dallas game. The room was filled with my girlfriend's family mostly show biz types... and Kenny Chesney was introduced as the halftime entertainment. He started singing a country song (all country song are essentially life's bad beat stories). I didn't let Kenny get ten seconds into his first number before I walked over to the television and shut it off, then walked out of the room. Everyone laughed.

The late game was the Pats visiting the Jets. The Pats and Jets went into overtime earlier in the season... which surprised everyone, especially the Pats. Without fail, the Jets lost that game in OT and really set the tone for the season. It's one thing to get shutout at home against the Niners, which you can justify was a shitty performance against a defensive juggernaut, so you can throw out your worst game of the season, but losing in OT on the road against a heated division rival sucks the life out of you. The Jets were toast from that moment they had a victory snatched out of their hands in Foxboro.

I saw the LOL-Jets live in Seattle a couple weekends ago and they were lifeless, particularly their offense. I've seen shit stains with more pizazz. The Jets lunch-meat offense is just atrociously inconsistent, or most of the time it was nonexistent. They can't run. They can't pass. They can't do anything right on special teams. And don't even get me started about their inefficient red zone offense. Plus, the Jets fucked up the Tebow situation more than you'll ever know.

Just remember this... Jets' owner Woody Johnson is the heir to the Johnson & Johnson company. Every time you buy a box of band aids, you pay for Mark Sanchez's salary.

We bet the Pats -6.5 and the OVER 48.5 because we love fading the Jets. I figured the Pats would win by at least double digits. Plus, even if the Jets posted a big fat donut, the Pats are a team that... 1) could put up 50 on their own, and 2) likes to run up the score.... especially against the LOL-Jets.

We had finished dinner just before kick off and watched the first quarter. We took a short break and adjourned to the dinning room for a round of dessert and coffee/tea. We were gone for no more than ten minutes in real time. I looked in at the game and the Pats had just scored to put the score 28-0 with almost 8 minutes left in the 2Q.

Wait... what? 28-0? What the fuck, mate? 7-0? 14-0? 21-0? 28-0? All of that happened when I wasn't looking? Did someone dose me and spike my iced tea with acid? Is this real life? I know the Jets suck... but 28-0 points in three minutes? Whaaaaaaat?

Yes, it was true. My brother clued me in on a couple of fumbles from the Jets and a couple of Tom Brady bombs made it 28-0. Super glad we bet the over, eh?

The outcome was dunzo in the 2Q when the score was 35-3. The rest of the game was glorified garbage time. Everyone started whispering about Tebow. The smug announcers. The drunken fans. Everyone on Twitter. Even the dinner guests.

"Is Tebow hurt?"
"Could he play if he is?" 
"Is the crowd really chanting for Tebow?" 
"Time to bench the damn rapist!" 
"Why doesn't Ryan pull Tebow?" 
"Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow."

My girlfriend's sister went to school in Colorado so she's a huge Broncos fan... which also means she has an affinity for Tebow after witnessing some of his magic last season. She knew what Tebow could accomplish on any given Sunday.... given the chance. That's the one thing Tebow never got in a Jets uniform... a chance.

Doesn't matter if Tebow or Sanchez is under center. The Jets suck so let's just stop skirting around the issue and figure out how we can rebuild ASAP or trade Tebow and a bag of bibles to Jacksonville for Justin Blackmon.

I was having a turkey feast a stone's throw away from UCLA's campus and sitting in a room of diverse people who were united for their vehement hated of USC, which meant that they had a special disdain for USC quarterbacks, especially Mark Sanchez.

"Did you know Sanchize supposedly date-raped a passed out drunk co-ed back when he was a freshman? USC and the boosters covered it up. They paid off the girl. Gave her free tuition and tons of cash."

That was a sample of the few anti-USC stories I heard over Turkey Day dinner. I couldn't tell if they were serious or totally fucking with me.

"So which QB is your favorite again? The date rapist or the Jesus Freak?"

"Ummm..." I stammered on like a slippery politician struggling to find a "safe" answer a tough question. "My favorite Jets QB is... Eli Manning."

Good recover. Deflection with humor. The crowd ate it up. More laughs.

The USC-haters shelled me all night for being a Jets fan. A ton of guff rained down on me, which is useless because I don't give a shit. Nothing that bullies can say will ever hurt as much as the pain I endure as a Jets fan. Waking up every day as a Jets fan is extremely depressing, humiliating, and psychologically damaging. Being a Jets fan is a badge of courage because it takes balls, loyalty and heart to stick with a team so badly that you stomach atrocious seasons year after year after year, while the Giants add another championship to their trophy case. The easy part is ignoring the slings and arrows targeted at you by dickhead friends, cantankerous relatives, and mean-spirited strangers. The hard part is sitting down week after week to subject yourself to the insane butchery called the LOL-Jets.

That's why I love betting against the Jets. I get paid to be miserable.

To keep the Sanchez-haters occupied during dinner, I shared couple of conspiracy theories: a former pope who used to be a salesman for IG Farben and sold cyanide to the Nazis during WWII, Stanley Kubrick's faked moon landing and Tebow's contract with the Jets. Supposedly, Tiny Tim wasn't getting any real playing time because the Jets didn't want Tebow to play too many snaps or put up any big stats which would facilitate random bonus clauses (like snaps played or TDs) that they didn't want to pay. Yeah, it looks like the Jets are not benching Sanchez for Tebow because they are just being cheap. They forked over a shit-ton of cash to Sanchez in a contract extension, so the last thing they want to do is let Tebow grind out a bunch of playing time to lock up those bonuses.

Anyway, it was an ugly game but we won both our bets and the fans left in droves starting in the 3Q. Toward the end of the game, I noticed one fan waving with a "BYE BYE REX!" sign.

We finished the day 4-1-1 in the NFL... or 2-1 in totals and 2-1-1 in sides.

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