16 March 2012

The Golden Rule of March Madness

By Dr. Pauly

Down double digits in the second half, Creighton dug deep and made one of those vintage runs that legends are made of. Creighton caught Alabama sleepwalking and pulled ahead. They fought a fierce battle in crunch time, but let Bama have a shot at winning the game because they forgot the golden rule of March Madness:

HIT. YOUR. FUCKING. FREE. THROWS.

Despite the missed freebies with under a minute to go, Creighton emerged victorious in an elongated ending which fueled a frenetic and fantastic adrenaline rush. Like a speed freak binging on a new bag of ice, I ran circles around the coffee table screaming, “Hit your fucking free throws! Hit your fucking free throws!”

I couldn’t sit still waiting for the last thirty seconds to play out in seven minutes of excruciating, real time. I watch all March Madness games on mute for fear of being brainwashed by watching the same fucking car commercial 700 times in a 48 hour period. Besides, picking the soundtrack in the background is soothing to the soul, like John Coltrane and Thelonious Monk, a more melodious way to enhance my afternoon instead of being bombarded with obvious vanilla-laced assessments pompous sportscasters and useless static and meaningless stats chirped from a quartet of stiff-looking suits.

I see it all the time. Coaches who over-coach. It’s rampant when you’re under a powerful microscope like March Madness. In this heavily scrutinized era of “amateur” sports, too many passive-aggressive coaches are worried about keeping their cushy jobs and free SUVs by taking the conservative route. But making a decision to make sure you keep your job is an injustice to the kids on the court! The players deserve better than being used as front-line pawns.

Anyway, there were too many timeouts called at the end of Bama-Creighton game. In some situations, calling a timeout disrupts the natural disrupts the flow of the game and hinders the players’ instinct to act/react when they can’t stop thinking about their coach barking orders into their ear. I’m more akin to the Phil Jackson School of Zen Hoops — don’t mess with the flow by calling stupid timeouts.

Luckily, the over-coaching didn’t alter the outcome of the game. Creighton won and covered. Man, what a rush. I live for that rush. Riding the crest of that orgasmic wave. I wish everyone gets to experience what it’s like to jump out of an airplane and you free fall to to Earth with your parachute opening at the last possible second. You have to experience that feeling at least once. I ride the wave several times a day during March Madness. Too much of it? You become an action junkie for eternity. But, if you can contain your deviant urges, then you can treat yourself with one of the most sensational feelings listed in the encyclopedia of Dionysian pleasures.