08 September 2013

NFL Week 1 - Picks, Sweats, and Other Tales of Ordinary Madness

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

I woke up at 5:55am PT. I've been waiting for this day since the Super Bowl ended.

My friends joked that it must be football season, otherwise what the hell was I doing up so early on a Sunday? I am ready for some football!

This is the last time I can be happy as a Jets fan. It's all downhill from here. The next 17 weeks will be utterly miserable. That's what happens when you're a Jets fan. The season is torture. I will try to write a weekly report about what it feels like to be a Jets fan, but I don't think anyone wants to read it. Too emo. Too many suicidal thoughts. Too dark and depressing. But the truth hurts. It's painful. That's what it's really like to be a Jets fan. Pain. Misery. Melancholy. Being a Jets fan is like being the special needs kid who rides the short bus to school.... everyone picks on you.... and you're the laughing stock of all of sports fandom.

And can you blame the bullies? Our QB's greatest moment last year was a butt-fumble. We deserved to be ridiculed.

I'm a diehard Jets fan. I suspect my mother smoked too many cigarettes when she was pregnant (hey it was the 70s), or I was dropped too many times as a child. My father could have raised my brother and I to be NY Giants fans, but he decided that we should be allowed to choose our own destiny. We picked Gang Green and our lives have been horrendous ever since.

Peyton Manning threw 7 touchdowns on Thursday. In one game. And he didn't even break a sweat. Last season, the mighty Sanchize tossed 13 TDs... over the entire season. Peyton generated more than 50% of the offensive output of Mark Sanchize in one fucking game. This is why Jets fans are perpetually suicidal. Sanchize is a third-stringer at best, but Rex Ryan is blind. Or Sanchize has hundreds of hours of Rex foot fetish videos that he's using as blackmail.

There's a glimmer of hope. With an injured Mark Sanchize, the gloomy congregation of diehard fans can watch their highly-touted rookie QB Geno Smith. We're also keeping an eye on the Buffalo Bills score. The Jets could have snagged EJ Manuel, but opted for Geno Smith instead even though everyone was afraid to touch Geno after his draft stock plummeted. Geno is another huge risk that the Jets took, but when you're QB options are limited to Mark Sanchize and Phil Simms' offspring, then you have to welcome anyone else. Anyone.

Welcome to the madhouse, Geno Smith. I hope you have lots of alka seltzer and anti-anxiety pharmies like Valium and Xannax. Heck, I can only watch a Jets game if I'm loaded up on Valium, otherwise I would put my fists through the wall. It's going to be a long fucking season, Geno. Whatever you do, don't pull a Ryan Leaf and go apeshit crazy on a reporter while cameras are rolling.

The Cigarette Smoking Man Hates Mark Sanchize

The tin foil hat conspiracy guys think that Rex Ryan inserted Mark Sanchize into the lineup late in the Snoopy Bowl for the sole purpose that Sanchize would get injured by an opposing player (who was on the take). After the game in random dark parking garage somewhere in the bowels of the Meadowlands, the Giants' Marvin Austin was handed a fat envelope of cash from the Cigarette Smoking Man (from the X-Files) for assisting Rex Ryan and team owner Woody Johnson eliminate the "Sanchez problem." As a result, Sanchez's bum shoulder is keeping him on the sidelines for the opener against Tampa Bay. Geno Smith got the nod. This is the hope and change that Obama has been talking about the last five years.

With that said... when the lines originally opened, we decided it would be in everyone's best interest to fade the Jets and their rookie QB until they proved competence.
Fade the Jets Pick:
Tampa -2.5
The line in Vegas is currently Jets +3.5 and the O/U slipped to 40 or 39.5 in some spots. I heard the wiseguys made a play on the Jets. They love to fade the public, but this is one instance when the public knows the truth... the Jets are a shitty team in flux, they traded away Revis -- their top defender (who takes the field against them today), and the Jets have a rookie QB at the helm. Perfect time to fade the Jets and the UNDER.

I guess I should take that Valium now so it kicks in by the time Geno Smith goes three and out in his first offensive series.

No comments: